A Little Vulnerability

I left church today during the service.

Was it because I sat in a different row? Nope. Was it the music? Nope. The preaching? Nope. Was it because my son is in the hospital, yet again, for a leg issue? Probably. Or because I don’t have a full-time job to rely on? Yeah, maybe that too. Because I have all these various thoughts plaguing my brain? Yup, that too. I can’t focus on one thing in particular. My head is full of “shoulds.”

I should go to church every Sunday. I should serve in a ministry. I should be at the hospital with my son. I should get a full-time job, even though I have contract jobs. I should do another load of laundry. I should clean my cellar. I should clean the backyard. I should speak my mind. I should go for a walk. These are only a few that invade my everyday thoughts.

I thought I was headed home when I left the church, but I drove right past. I ended up at the grocery store because “I should get food for Easter, as well as eggs to color and candy to fill the plastic eggs.” I sat in the parking lot for at least 5 minutes, because I really didn’t want to be there. I wanted to cry, but tears are always just out of my reach.

I tell my oldest that he needs to let the doctors know he’s in pain. He won’t. I tell him it’s important they know he’s hurting, even if he refuses pain medication. I can’t get mad because I do the same thing. The difference is that he’s hurting physically and I”m hurting emotionally. Neither of us can express the depth of our hurt. I tell him to tell the doctors, while I should find a friend to confide in. I’m an overthinker. I run through all the names of my closest friends, and even ones not that close. — she’s too busy; she has her own stuff going on; she wants to solve the problem that she can’t; she’s too far away; she doesn’t really know my family; she’ll gossip; she doesn’t let me speak — All of those are just excuses that I have made up to justify why I don’t reach out.

I know there is one that is always there. God. He is the one I should be going to. I know that. I believe in the power of prayer. It’s just sometimes I want someone that will answer back, audibly. I never hear Him. Looking back, through various times in my life, I see how He directed my steps, but I cannot say I ever heard Him. So, yes, I do go to Him and I know He’ll send the person that I can confide in.